A groundbreaking study from the University of Oregon reveals that houseplants experience measurable distress when subjected to unfunny humans. Using precision sensors, researchers found philodendrons drooped 30% faster during open-mic nights compared to control groups listening to silence. ‘They particularly despise observational humor about airline food,’ said lead researcher Dr. Ficus Greenfield. ‘But play some early Ellen DeGeneres routines? Chlorophyll production went wild.’ The findings have sparked controversy among comedians, with one local open-mic host insisting his spider plant ‘definitely vibed’ with his ‘Wi-Fi password’ bit.