The cult-favorite grocer is set to release its most relatable product yet - a seasoning blend containing sesame seeds, dried onion, and ‘just a whisper of unresolved childhood trauma.’ Market research shows target consumers want ‘something salty-sad to sprinkle on avocado toast during therapy sessions.’ Early taste testers describe notes of ‘student loan anxiety’ with an ‘aftertaste of moderately fulfilling creative gig work.’ CEO Dan Bane confirmed the blend will be shelf-stable for ‘approximately as long as your last relationship.’ Competitors scramble to develop ‘Survivor Guilt Gluten-Free Breadcrumbs.’