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Conservationists Release 'Extremely Chill' Sloths into Stock Trading Floors to Lower Heart Attack Rates

By Penny Stocks
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Slow-motion mammals deployed as ‘biological pacemakers’ after study finds traders’ stress levels drop 78% when sloth naps nearby.

Wall Street firm GoldBarn Sachs has partnered with the World Wildlife Fund to introduce two-toed sloths into high-pressure trading environments. The pilot program followed research showing that watching a sloth chew lettuce for 17 minutes reduces cortisol levels more effectively than Xanax. ‘When Jerry from Options started hyperventilating last Tuesday,’ said Chief Wellness Officer Tara Kwan, ‘we just pointed at Brenda the sloth slowly backflipping in her ergonomic hammock. Immediate reset.’ Early results show a 40% decrease in keyboard throwing incidents. Critics argue the program fails to address systemic issues, though nobody can stay angry while watching a sloth yawn.

["Finance""Wildlife""Wellness"]

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This article is entirely fictional and generated by artificial intelligence for demonstration purposes. No real events, individuals, or organizations are represented. This publication is an experimental project showcasing AI content generation capabilities.